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A person has a right to state a boundary about how they will be treated, meaning, this is something that you may or may not do to me, on me, near me, around me, or even aimed in my general direction. How would you feel if it wasn’t even an option to be seen, heard, validated as being a part of your life? You care about U’s feelings, you want her to feel included.

Many people who are in this situation treat the issue of how open to be as a boundary issue, since they see clear consequences for themselves if a new partner let’s something slip, for instance, by posting something on Facebook. The truth remains, you’re not ready to be out at work.

This can be said for all of the items that we’re going to discuss (which is why I chose this one first), so we’re going to return to this point frequently.

Another problem has to do with confusion around issues of entitlement.

The core of it is, you can be a good person, doing things that seem reasonable from your perspective, and still be part of a problem.

It really does take some education, some communication, and a lot of forethought to get this one right.

They have been together for over a year and are open-minded, tolerant, ethical, progressive people.

Really, people need to exercise discretion about a great many things in their life, this is no different from any somewhat controversial choice that a person might make, based on the morals and values of their community.They don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, and neither do they want to have to answer questions or justify their decisions in the workplace, so they have decided to remain “in the closet” about this whole experiment.That seems respectful, both for them and for the person they are going to be dating.These are so common that people who have seen this play out before will often have a strong, negative reaction to your initial introduction before you have shared any details. My goal with this article is to lay out why these people had the reaction they did, why it was so strong (!), and what you can do to get what you want without creating dysfunctional relationships and hurting people.

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After much foot-dragging and many late night talks, the decision was made to go for it.

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